The Truth, My Dear Addict
by 26Health Staff
I love you. My heart bleeds sadness for your journey; my love for you is great. I know your pain and sorrow because I was once right where you are, lost confused and seeking the only action I believed gave me power; sex with drugs and alcohol. Wrapped in the illusion of the scene, I self-destructed without even knowing.
One by one, like a leaf on a tree in the fall, my life blew away. I lost family, friends, jobs; faced homelessness. It took everything I owned, stole my family from under me. It robbed me of all my money. Robbed me of all self-dignity, self-respect. Robbed me of self-love. My only love was the drug and alcohol.
I told it my deepest fears. I let it know how broken I was, and it took advantage of me in every way. It made me hate everyone and turned me into a monster just like it.
It dug its claws into me. Slit my skin with razors of control. It owned my soul. But I just brushed that off and let it keep destroying me. Convinced I was a star in this world of sex and drugs I continued. I tried so many times to leave it. I tried so hard to cut it off, but the attempts just failed. Trust that I know your struggle. Every recovering and recovered Addict knows the silent screams of your pain.
Walking Orlando, I picked up any bottle, can of beer, and even cigarette butts from the streets to stop my shakes and craving for a drug or alcohol. Then one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d had no sleep for four days. The abuse was too much for me; it had me on my knees, begging for saving grace. I cried. Screaming, I asked God, higher power, for the light. I wanted to die so badly. I called on my deceased mother, I called on every person in my life dead or living for their souls to help me.
One dark February night, the heart of the Universe answered my prayers just as I stood on the edge naked, alone, and cold. At two in the morning, laying in the salvation army, I was awakened. At that moment, shattered & homeless, lying on that bed, I experienced something I will never forget.
I say this with tears from my soul to your soul, hoping it hears this call to your greatness and potential. I vanished, pride broke, a moment; just a moment, seconds of willingness, came from me. It wrapped its arms around me, and an energy of unconditional love surrounded me. Unexplainable, a voice from this energy spoke directly to me, not in my head. It was just as if someone was standing in front of me, but it was the power speaking. Still surrounded by this love, it said what I know to be true for me and any addict. “This is not who and what you are. You can change this now.”
The very next thought after this experience was to go to a recovery meeting. I will never forget that morning, February 27, 2011. The salvation army staff said it was time to go at 5 A.M. With nothing but a backpack, I left. I walked the streets of Orlando, E. Colonial, to the only place I knew. Terrified, sweating, without bathing, I walked into a room embarrassed, full of shame, guilt, and broken and not knowing what to do. I entered a room full of love and asked for help.
My willingness was all it took. Me asking for help. It could only come from me no one else, as hard as many tried; it was that one moment of willingness that broke the chains of bondage.
Your journey will not be my journey, but I know you have a journey that leads to a light within you. No matter how dark the self-created hell, there is a power greater within you. There is hope, and it starts only with you willing to take the first step.
To ask for help when feeling confused and lost is the most profound question another human being may ask. It is authentic power. And you have it. Nine and a half years later, I am here sharing my experience, strength, and hope to help you remember that Spark of Divinity. It will be the hardest choice you have ever made, but it is possible. We all die, but you do not have to die a slow and miserable death.
It’s not pretty. It’s not easy. You will claw and you will plead. The addiction will use all its power to convince you that hell is better. I promise you one of these two things: you will either die soon if you don’t change now, or you will free yourself to the most exceptional experience of life if you choose to change. You must desire it more than breath itself. It’s the only way. And when you do, you will be surrounded by hands of love and support beyond measure. For one recovered Addict will always help another.
I don’t know if this will help someone in active addiction or help a family member understand. My hope is that every Addict suffering at this moment, wherever you are, will be surrounded by the love and light of the Universe. I know how great the Divine is, and I know that at this moment, your soul’s experience is to know itself as love. Nothing can and will change that.
Self-love unlocks your freedom and your light.
Before you take that next hit or drink, ask yourself one question, am I willing to die for this high?
Keep it Real. Keep it Raw. Keep it Authentic.